What a feeling

Feeling really out of touch with my Main Self right now, and like the others are all fighting for the diver's seat, while the little(s) are crying and upset.

Half of us are in analytic mode, looking at everything through a microscope and the other half are feeling nostalgic and alone. The whole system has been disassociating like crazy lately, which has engaged certain depressive triggers, and that one alter that feeds on negative self-talk and lusts for self-harm is giggling in the corner like some unseen villain. 

So, because of this I have been in a state of mental overdrive. I have been thinking about the past, present, future, the what-ifs, and everything in between. I do not know what has brought me to this point, but whatever it is, I guess its time for me to do some soul searching.

In two days it will be my biological mothers birthday, the very first of many I'll be saddled with remembering now that she's gone. My fathers was 9 days prior to this post. I've been feeling really off emotionally as of late. Always in some sort of physical pain. Always in some emotional turmoil, always just 95% of ok. Like there is something about to happen that will break down a wall, or some shielded thing that causes me to fully crack. I'm at the time of writing this, not depressed. However, I am not fully happy like I said. I am not even sure what "happiness" looks like anymore. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone around me. Not a feeling I'm new to, but just feeling kind of lost and without purpose or direction. 

Maybe this also comes at a time where there are things happening that I cannot control, or maybe its just that time of year again where the seasonal depression creeps in and takes up root for the next 6-8 months? And if it is the early onset of Seasonal Affective Disorder then its going to be a long fall/winter. Its definatly something that I am going to bring up to my therapist when I see her on Wednesday. 

Anyone else feeling like this, or is it just my system?

Dominant Alter

Queston: Do any of you have an Alter that the others are afraid of? For example if that one front everyone else "cowers"?

Recently while in session with our therapist, something was brought up during BLS (bilateral stimulation) and an Alter we had no idea was there "choked" us and yelled "no!" and caused a panic attack.

During our next session it's presence was felt, but it was like something watching from the dark, more so than fronting which caused the protector some distress. He (the protector) was "standing in the back" allowing others to talk including the child, which has never been allowed to speak before. My therapist said she noticed the switching during the BLS and said that it took place about 6 times during one pass. 

We don't know what that other Alter is or if it was a collective "No" from the others but it felt singular.

Responses

"Very much have a part who terrifies the others and it has a subsystem(?-not sure what to call it) so essentially multiplies when it needs to do all-the-bad-things. Shuts everything down internally, it doesn’t interact with the outside world."

"Ours is called Madness, and he's usually the last to be called for if something happens. 'Cause once he fronts, everyone dives for cover due to his version of "Scorched Earth Tactics". Once done, he vanishes and leaves the host to clean it all up.

Only the littles love him, and call him "Papa". The rest of us stay out of his way."

So it seems that having a scary Alter is not uncommon. It's not something that is necessarily wanted, but apparently was created for a reason. Now to try to figure out what trauma caused it and seeing about healing it or living it away. 

Alter protecting systems support group

So recently I've noticed that The Protector not only protects the system, but those close and valued by the system. I'm newly diagnosed with DID and come to realize that Im not the one whose protective of my loved ones it's one of the altars. While "Main Me" maintains friendships for the most part, it's the Protector who stands up for friends and loved ones. Today a friend was called out by a group of Karen's who only were talking about a situation that they themselves "knew"

Shopping for an Alter

So over the last few weeks, my fem alter has been coming through really strong and fronting more than usual. The host is typically unkempt and doesn't worry about labels and clothing needs to often and will quite literally wear something that is more holes than functional clothing. But since the fem alter has been fronting more, things like hair, makeup, clothing, and accessories have been sought after, to the point where others are beginning to notice it.

One day the Fem Alter forced a haircut and purchase

My Little is crying and hurt on behalf of another Little

I was called today to come over to a friend's house to talk with their granddaughter, because she was being bullied at school. Some kids were body shaming her and making her cry. So I was asked to come over and talk with her.

In true to form, it legit was kids just being mean, evil, bullies and spewing hatred. As she was telling me what was going on with her, and the things that she was being put through, I felt all the pain and anguish that my younger self went through with the bullying and teasing and name calling. 

I feel so horrible for this child because her home life isn't that great, and her school life isn't that great either. My own inner child could connect with her because my homelife

What music does your system listen to?

Today we find ourselves listening to classical violin while working on 5 different projects. We are doing content creation on all of our different platforms, while editing 2 different websites, and working on 3 different crafts, and stalking our Amazon Package in real time. There is other actual housework that needs to be done ATM, but this is where we find ourselves.

Do you find that depending on who is fronting that the choice of entertainment changes or does your system have a set "go to" that is enjoyed?

Pictures of yourself

When you see yourself in pictures can you recognize yourself or your Alters?

There's sometimes when I look at pictures that they seem a bit "off". Like today I took a selfie, and my face looks different than usual. All day today my secretarial and ADHD personas were fronting simultaneously yet I look at a selfie from Saturday and it's more "me" looking.

Anyone else experience this? 

Responses