Introduction

Hello world, 

This blog is going to serve as my way of learning about being diagnosed with #DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder at the age of 44yrs old.

There are terms you'll need to familiarize yourself with, as they'll help you along the way should you not already be familiar with DID.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) comes with a unique set of terms that help describe the experiences of those who have it. Here are some key ones:

- **Alter**: A distinct identity or personality state within a person with DID. Alters can have different ages, genders, abilities, and even physiological responses.

- **Host**: The alter that is most frequently in control of the body and interacts with the outside world.

- **System**: The collective term for all alters within a person with DID.

- **Switching**: The process of one alter taking control of the body while another steps back.

- **Fronting**: The alter that is currently in control and interacting with the world.

- **Persecutor**: An alter that may engage in self-destructive or harmful behaviors, often as a misguided attempt to protect the system.

- **Little**: A child alter who presents with a young age and mannerisms.

- **Age Slider**: An alter whose perceived age can change depending on circumstances.

- **Integration**: The process of blending alters into a more unified identity.

- **Losing Time**: When a person with DID experiences dissociative amnesia, leading to gaps in memory.

- **Fragment**: A part of the system that may not be fully developed as an alter but still holds specific emotions, memories, or functions.

- **Inner World**: The mental space where alters may exist and interact with each other.

- **Switch Trigger**: An event, emotion, or stimulus that causes an alter to switch into control.

- **Amnesia Barrier**: The mental separation that prevents alters from accessing each other’s memories.

- **Polyfragmented System**: A system with a large number of alters, often including many fragments.

- **Subsystem**: A smaller group of alters within a larger system that interact more closely with each other.

- **Passive Influence**: When an alter affects thoughts, emotions, or behaviors without fully fronting.

- **Front Stuck**: When an alter is unable to switch out, even when they want to.

- **Co-fronting**: When multiple alters are simultaneously in control of the body.

- **Blending**: When alters’ identities and traits mix together temporarily.

These are just a few terms you may see on this blog as I continue learning about my diagnosis and as I learn more about myself as a System. 

My whole life I've always heard these voices that were completely different from my inner monologue. I used to think of them as my "imagery friends" and thought that it was normal for people to have voices in their heads. Growing up I was a loner, never really connecting with my peers and spent countless hours alone. 

I was able to fully develop most of my Alters from a very young age through creative play and by verbally talking to myself and being answered by them. As I grew up and became a teenager, some of those Alters never aged. I played with my toys until I was about 14yrs old. I remember the day that I boxed up all my toys and stopped playing with them. I felt like a part of me died that day. But I remember that it wasn't something I wanted to do, but something I had to do, for self-preservation and social acceptance by my peers. As I began having friends my own age coming over to hang out, it was a bit difficult to explain the toys and the elaborate set ups I had for them. 

I always had a sixth sense when it came to the environment around me, and so I could usually tell when the energy around me changed, or how to sense other's moods and emotions. It wasn't until much later in life I learned that this was a trauma response from growing up in a toxic environment, being bullied, and having to emotionally regulate adults and adapt to my surroundings vs being myself. 

At the time of writing this post, I've only been in this round of therapy for about 6 months now. I've been in and out of therapy since I was about 9yrs old. I'm currently seeing two therapists, but for very different reasons. I originally started this round of therapy looking for help diagnosing ADHD. However, it came to light that on top of having ADHD that there was a probability of me being on the autistic spectrum as well as having dissociative identity disorder. I've been studying mental health for several years now right before the pandemic begin. Because I felt like I was not receiving the help that I needed from the current mental health facilities in my area.

So, I began a journey of self-discovery and learning about all of the different facets of who I was, and how I felt. Through all of this I never once thought that I exhibited any symptoms of DID. As I stated before I've always had multiple voices in my head and throughout the years some have grown quiet while others have become more prevalent. As of right now there's about 10 that I have identified, two of which still have yet to form. These are called "Incompletes". Some of them are nonverbal and only communicate through visual flashes or song lyrics. 

Of all of these Alters five are the most active. There's Alex, Johnathan Meyers, JD Styles, Overon, Nykrisha. These are the Alters that are always present and that front quickly and without notice. 

Introduction to the System and the Five Main Alters

Alex, The Protector. He is the anger, rage, brute strength, hot tempered, and hardest to control of all the Alter's. If the System comes under any stress, threat of harm, or is otherwise met with any type of aggression. He is the second line of defense and is typically the one to cause harm to the perpetrator, with very little to no remorse. He is very brash, loud, and almost unreasonable. He Fronts when friends, loved ones, or the System is in danger, or being overwhelmed. 

Johnathan Meyers, The Sectary and Manger. Johnathan is very dutiful and subservient to a degree, and is also very educated, with a customer service-oriented mindset. When he is Fronting, he is very dedicated to the task at hand. He is always attentive and always looking 5 steps ahead. As the manager of the system, his main function is to keep a level head, and to use any means necessary including Dark Psychology 

Dark Psychology refers to the study of the darker aspects of human behavior, including manipulation, coercion, and emotional abuse. It encompasses traits such as narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism, collectively known as the "dark triad". This field explores how individuals use psychological tactics to control or influence others, often without ethical considerations, employing techniques like guilt-tripping and gaslighting. Overall, dark psychology seeks to understand the motivations and methods behind manipulative behaviors.

to manipulate the situation in favor of the System, and to get others to do what is needed to keep Alex from Fronting.  Johnathan is to be thought of as the First Line of Defense within the System, as the Manager, he dictates which of the others proceeds. However, depending on the timing and situation, he doesn't always have a choice on who Fronts. Johnathan is demisexual. This tends to override the sexual impulses of JD. 

JD Styles, The Social Butterfly. JD is very sexually charged and very flirtatious. He is bisexual and gender fluid and is the "default" Alter when the System is in social engagements. JD and Johnathan tend to Front at the same time. Johnathan uses psychology to charm and disarm, and JD uses sexuality to seduce, flirt, and get close to those around the System. Due to JD's fluidity and sexuality, he is comfortable being in both the traditional male and traditional female roles. Because of this, he can be very charismatic and charming, and bratty.   

Nykrisha, The Flamboyant Sub-Alterego of JD Styles. Nykrisha is the feminine "drag queen" persona. There is very little separating Nykrisha and JD when one is fronting. The biggest difference between the two is how the System is presenting. If the System is presenting as overly flamboyant, wearing makeup, or dressed pseudo feminine, and for a lack of better term "being bitchy and gay" then Nykrisha is the main Alter between JD and herself that is fronting. However, as stated above, they tend to overlap and co-front. Nykrisha has an African American personality, speech, and mannerism. Has an extensive understanding and knowledge of black culture, and spirituality. 

Overon, The Scholar and Spiritualist. Overon is very versed in Occultism, and spirituality. He is very egotistical and rough around the edges. He maintains the spirituality of the System. As such, he is fascinated by thoughts and theorem pertaining to the occult, religion, metaphysics, and the like. He also practices divination in the form of Tarot Reading and will Co-Front with Johnathan as both have scholarly interests and Johnathan is able to communicate freely and on the same level as the person that is being spoken to. Overon is sapiosexual; by appealing to his intellectual side, you are more likely to warm him up and gain favor with him. 

These five Alters make up a majority of the personality that I as the Host have. Our default term for the System is "Main Me" as my daily demeanor encompasses all these traits. As I have grown and developed as a person, and before knowing that these traits were actually individual personas with their very own thoughts, lives, feelings, and ideologies, I just assumed this was who I was. A person with voices in their head, that spoke, acted, and thought differently than I would typically and that my moments of fogginess was where my main consciousness was "kicked out of the driver's seat" and an Alter took over.
I had experienced this before in extreme cases of rage, where it felt like I was watching someone or something else act out in violence and anger, and relishing in the pure euphoria of losing control and how good it felt. 

So, as you can see, there is a lot going on here. And with my personal studies of mental health, and my new diagnosis of having Dissociative Identity Disorder, along with a host of other mental and physical health related issues, I will be doing my best to figure things out and will be using this blog as a way to not only express my various parts, but as a way to chronicle the journey moving forward.